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The Pigeon Drop/Transcript
Nick: Congratulations, Mr. President. Jeremy: Thanks. I know you went above and beyond the call to make this happen. Nick: Are you kidding, man? With your charisma, it was all you. Jeremy: Okay, that's fair. :(cellphone buzzes) Nick: Sorry, gotta take this. That's probably my social worker. (goes into the hallway and answers her flip phone) Hey, Dad, what's up? Tony: Hey, Nicky, I got great news. I talked to the lawyer. He said he'll take my case. Nick: Oh, my God, are you serious? Tony: Yeah, yeah, he's confident he can get my conviction overturned. I could be home by Halloween. Nick: And then, this would all be over? Tony: Yeah, yeah, that's right. And, oh, this guy, he is the best criminal defense attorney in the state, but he won't take my case until he gets five grand. Nick: Ooh, that's a lot of money. Tony: Yeah, I know, kiddo, but I've already arranged for you to deliver the payment at noon on Saturday. Nick: Wait, how am I supposed to get $5,000 by noon on Saturday? Tony: I know It's a lot to ask, but he's filing some kind of petition with the court first thing on Monday, so this is our only shot. He's just coming in to collect that money, Nick, so please don't be late. It's on Stokes, across from the movie theater. Nick: (upset) I've got it. It's just a lot to steal from the Thompsons, I-- Tony: No, no, trust me. They're not even gonna miss it. And remember, we're just righting a wrong here, kiddo. (V.O.) We've got one chance to get me out of prison, so you need to do whatever it takes to make that happen. --- Ed: Someone stole all of my art equipment! :(The Thompson family, including Nick, are shocked.) :(theme music playing) Ed: This is literally a kick in the teeth. (sits in a chair) Police Officer: You know that's not what "literally" means? Nick: I am so sorry this happened to you. But at least your homeowner's insurance will pay for it, right? Ed: It's covered, but more importantly, someone broke into our house. Liz: Broke in or walked in? I mean, this wouldn't be the first time you left the garage door open all night. Ed: I closed it, I swear. Molly: Mom doesn't care that you lost something important to you. She only cares about proving she's right. Liz: Oh, so are you still mad about missing beach clean-up? Cool, cool. I-I just wanna know how many weeks that's gonna last, so I can put it in my day planner. Ed: Will you two just stop arguing and focus on the criminal act that was perpetrated against us? Jeremy: (to the police officer) So are you gonna dust for prints? Police Officer: Yeah, no. I think I got what we need. Jeremy: Then when is the canine unit gonna get here? Police Officer: We don't really do that for this kind of case. Jeremy: So what are the next steps? Police Officer: I file this report, the insurance company writes you a check, then I try and solve a real crime. Molly: (to the police officer) Maybe you could solve the case of the mother who ruined (to Liz) her daughter's life! Liz: (to Molly) Or the case of the daughter who had a life because her mother made sure she went to the doctor. Jeremy: (to Liz and Molly) Enough. You two have been fighting all week. No wonder we didn't hear them steal anything. Ed: Guys, this is getting outta hand. We really have to do something about this. Liz: (to Ed) What do you mean "we"? You're the one who started this fire. Police Officer: Okay, folks, I'm gonna go ahead and consider this case closed. (gives Liz and Ed a sheet of paper) Nick: Bummer. It looks like this thief is gonna get away with it. Whoever he is. --- :(Nick enters and sits next to Todd) Todd: Er seat's saved, kid. Nick: Yeah, Todd, for me. Todd: You're Furious Nick? Nick: Yep. (to Phil, happily) Can I get a cola? Todd: So I was hired to steal a bunch of stuff by a kid, great. Just when I was starting to feel good about myself. Nick: (to Todd) Look, just keep it together and pay attention. I've arranged a buyer for the equipment. :(Todd laughs and Nick grabs her cola) Todd: I already have the goods. Why do I need help from some snot-nosed kid? Nick: Hm. Listen up, bonehead. You don't even know what you stole. This is highly specialized equipment. You put the stuff on Craigslist, and the cops will be at your door in ten minutes. Todd: Hey, I am not a bonehead. I have a BA in sports management. Nick: Great. (gives Todd a note) Then jog on over to this address, and go sell the stuff. (Todd takes the note) Meet me back here Saturday morning with the money. Todd: (looking at the address) Just one question, uh... once I get the money, what's to stop me from cutting you out of the action? Nick: (calling out a name) Phil. :(Phil bangs glass on bar) Nick: Phil here has your name, and your address, and if you don't show up here with my money, Phil will find you... and Phil will hurt you. Todd: Aha. Okay, okay, I'll be here. Nick: (to Phil) Oh, and put this on his tab. :(Nick leaves, drinking her cola) Todd: Yeah, that... it's on me. I got it. --- Molly: (using her phone) Okay, next. What topping goes on your perfect sundae? Sprinkles, nuts, or Oreo crumbles? Nick: All three. Nick: You have to pick one. BuzzFeed quizzes are serious business. Nick: (sighs) Okay, it's close, but sprinkles. Molly: Okay. Based on your perfect sundae, your Game of Thrones character is... (both thumping on bed) Arya! Which makes sense because I got Sansa, and they're sisters, which is basically us. :(both giggle) Nick: Awesome. Molly: We should dress as them for Halloween. Nick: (gasps) Uh... Yeah, yeah. Ah, well... Yeah, Halloween is a long way away. Who knows if we'd still be... into that by then. (gets off of her bed) Molly: (as she’s getting off of Nick’s bed; as Nick is putting her Nick’s notebook in her Nick’s backpack) Uh, yeah, okay. Well, don't forget we are doing that live streaming event today for all my followers. Nick: Oh, no, is that today? I thought it was next Saturday. I made plans to see a friend. Molly: (as Nick is zipping up her backpack and putting her pencil away) But we were gonna write letters to support civil rights for convicted felons. Nick: I'm sorry. She moved to Idaho and she's only in town today. Molly: Oh, well, that sucks. I was hoping to spend the day with you. Well, I guess we have the rest of our lives to write letters together. Uh, let's go grab some breakfast. :(both of them walk down the stairs) Nick: You know what? I'm just gonna grab something to eat with my friend. Molly: Are you sure? Ever since you got here, Mom's been going all out for breakfast. I think she's making apple raisin challah French toast. Nick: Yeah, it's fine. I'll just catch you later. Have fun today. Molly: Ah, okay. :(Nick is walking to the front door while Molly walks to the kitchen door. As Nick opens the front door, the house alarm sounds. She immediately closes the door and covers her ears.) Ed: (as he and the security system installer run to the door; the entire family enters the living room) Sorry about that! I didn't know it was live yet! :(the alarm is then disabled by the security system installer) Nick: Uh, what just happened? Ed: We are installing a security system. Surprise! Welcome to Thompson Family Safety Day. For the next three hours, we are on lockdown. :(Jeremy, Molly, and Nick are all upset.) Nick: (sarcastically) Super. --- Ed: This break-in was a personal violation. It's my duty to protect this family. :(Nick gasps) Ed: We're gonna make this house an impenetrable fortress. Nick: But I was gonna meet a friend. (walks to the front door) Molly: My followers are waiting for my livestream. Jeremy: And I have a student council meeting. :(Jeremy and Molly also walk away) Ed: Oh no! Nobody leaves! I don't want to hear any excuses. (Nick, Jeremy, and Molly walk back) We need to start taking safety seriously in this household. Jeremy: Lisa Haddad is still upset I beat her for president. If I miss this meeting, she'll sense a power vacuum and assume control. Molly: My followers are waiting for me to lead the letter-writing campaign. Nick: And I really need to meet my friend. Ed: I'm sorry, all these social activities are optional. Family safety is mandatory. :(Jeremy, Molly, and Nick sit back down; Nick groans) Liz: Well, what about closing the garage, I mean, is that optional or mandatory? Because I thought it was mandatory, but it sure seems pretty optional. Ed: Ha ha! Your snark is much appreciated, but I'm telling you, I closed the garage. (sighs) Look, everybody, I've got a big day planned for us. Trust me, it's gonna be super fun. :(everyone groans) Liz: (stands up) Come on, guys, this is important. Okay? And I bet you're gonna have a blast and learn a lot. (pats Ed on the shoulder) Okay, bye. (slowly walks away) Ed: Where you going? Liz: I have to do inventory at the restaurant. Molly: Oh, so Mom can leave, but we have to stay here for this fascist indoctrination? After she made me miss beach clean-up! Liz: Great news! The tide came in, and the beach needs cleaning up again. Jeremy: I move we table Family Safety Day. Nick: My friend has a limited window to meet up. Ed: All right, everyone stop. Liz, you can have Eduardo handle the inventory, Molly, you can write the letters later, Nick, your friend can wait, and Jeremy, you and I both know it's not a real meeting. It's a pancake breakfast. This is really important, and everyone's gonna do it. Besides, it'll be nice to spend some time together... as a family. Jeremy: This is an abuse of power. Molly: We will fight this. Nick: Oh, boy. --- Molly: (as she is live streaming on her phone) Hey, Molly Mob. We were supposed to be live streaming our letter campaign for prisoner rights, but in an ironic twist, I've become a prisoner in my own home. Jeremy: (to Ed) If Lisa tries to turn the student council against my presidency while I'm stuck here, it's on you, Dad. Ed: (to Jeremy) I can live with that. Liz: (on the phone talking to somebody) I want to know everything down to the last peppercorn. And, no, that's not a type of corn. Nick: Can we get this rolling? Ed: May I have your attention please? While they finish installing the system, we will begin phase one of Thompson Family Safety Day, emergency preparedness drills. Mom and I are on suitcase duty, Molly is in charge of meal kits, Jeremy will grab the bottled water, and since Nick is part of the family, she's on flashlight duty. (showing a stopwatch) Now, I'm gonna go downstairs and clock our response time. The time to beat is 98 seconds. Nick: If we beat the time, can we leave? Ed: No. But if you beat the time, you might not get burned alive in a fire. Liz: Uh, actually, most people die of smoke inhalation well before they get burned. (sees Jeremy, Nick, and Molly all shocked) And now I see that's not a fun fact to say out loud. :(Liz leaves the room) Ed: All right, people, wait for my signal. (leaves the room) Molly: (to Molly Mob) Emergency preparedness drills or military exercises? You decide. Jeremy: (using his phone) Oh, great. Lisa just ordered a round of table bacon. I'm screwed. Ed: (yelling) Go, go, go! :(as Nick, Molly, and Jeremy are about to leave the room) Jeremy: Dad is nuts. Molly: You're just figuring that out? Nick: Yeah, man, he's the worst, but hurry up. (Jeremy and Molly leave the room but Nick goes back in there; she takes out her flip phone to call Todd) Yo, Todd, it's Furious Nick. (slight pause) How am I doing? Yeah, I'm furious! Just listen. Change of plans. I'm stuck here. So you need to bring the money to me. (slight pause) I don't care. I have to get that money to someone by noon, so just do it. (closes flip phone, sighs, and leaves room) :(Nick is looking through kitchen appliances. Jeremy gets the bottled water from a cabinet but all of the water bottles fall through the box. Molly grabs a box that says “MEAL KITS” with Christmas lights in it, and then quickly realizes the box that says “CHRISTMAS LIGHTS” is the one that has the meal kits. Nick finds the flashlights in a cabinet next to a laundry machine but when grabbing the flashlights all of the batteries rattle on floor. Everyone returns to the living room with their assigned items.) Ed: Okay, team, I have to be honest, that was... really bad. The good news is, there's nowhere to go but up. Let's go again! Molly: What? Are you serious? Nick: Come on, man. Jeremy: This is ridiculous. Ed: By, the way, in case you didn't realize, you'd all be dead now. Jeremy: I wish. Liz: Okay, guys, come on, it's important to be ready in an emergency. :(the kids walk upstairs) Liz: (to Ed) Hey, hey. What are you really trying to do here? Ed: (to Liz) Well, all this fighting, it is my fault. I'm just trying to be a problem solver. Liz: Actually, that is kind of proactive. I approve. (taps Ed’s nose) TBA Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts